The Dark Knight Jeopardy and other stories!
by embrace-insanity
Summary: You never know what'll happen when the characters from The Dark Knight are on a game show together! And you never know what'll happen when they leave that game show! Rated T for violence and language. Comic violence and language, that is.
1. Jeopardy, kind of

**I don't own any of the characters from The Dark Knight, or Jeopardy. But what fun life would be if I did. **

Host: Hello, and welcome to Jeopardy, Dark Knight style! We have some very special contestants in the studio today, and here they are now!

*Three figures walk to podiums*

Host: First, we have Batman!

Batman: *Looks around* Uh…Hi.

Host: Next, we have The Joker!

Joker: *cackles* Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllooooooooooooooooo!

Host: And, last but certainly least, Harvey Dent!

*Rachael is the only one clapping*

Harvey: *scowls* You all suck.

Host: And I'm Jessica, the host, filling in for Alex Trebek, who was discovered murdered just five minutes ago!

Joker: *Falls over podium, laughing hysterically*

Everyone: *Looks at Joker*

Batman: I can't believe you.

Jessica: *fist pump* CALLED IT!

Harvey: No sh--, Sherlock.

*Rachael is the only one laughing*

Harvey: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

Everyone: *Ignores Harvey*

Jessica: Alright then, let's begin tonight-

Joker: *Pulls out knife* With some anarchy???

Jessica: No. With categories.

Joker: *puts knife away* *grumbles*

Jessica: Anyway, the categories are-

Batman: I'd like to solve, please?

Everyone: *stares at Batman*

Joker: Do you even know where you are right now?

Batman: Uh……………*long silence* I'm conflicted?

Harvey: The suit's probably suffocating him.

*Rachael's gone to the bathroom*

Jessica: Nobody cares, Harvey.

Joker: *laughing* The suit's probably suffocating him.

*Audience laughs at insight*

Harvey: F--- you all.

Jessica: OKAY, THE CATEGORIES ARE-

Harvey: But what about-

*Jessica blows Harvey's head off*

*Joker picks up head and laughs*

Batman: *throws up* EWWWWWWWW! Oh god, how am I gonna clean this????

Joker: I'll help you out! *throws head at Batman*

Batman: *throws up again* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! *runs around terrified and destroys set* *collapses*

Alfred: *Leaps from audience* MASTER WAYNE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO! I CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT YOU!!!! *begins mouth-to-mouth*

Joker: Wayne? Like Bruce Wayne?

Harvey: *alive* No sh--, Sherlock.

*nobody cares*

Jessica: Alfred, you're really workin' it there.

Joker: Can I try? *laughs hysterically*

Alfred: NO! *goes back to sucking Batman's face*

Jessica: Oh god, I think I'm gonna be sick. Alfred, can you-

Alfred: I'M NOT GOING TO LOSE HIM! I LOVE THIS MAN! I LOVE HIM! WHY DO YOU THINK I KILLED HIS PARENTS, HUH? SO I COULD ALWAYS BE WITH HIM!!!!!

Everyone: *stares at Alfred nervously*

Joker: *staring at Alfred* I feel strangely attracted to you right now.

Jessica: *barfs on joker*

Joker: You messed up the suit!!!! *pulls out knife*

Jessica: *Feels need to strangle Joker* *Strangles Harvey instead*

Harvey: WHAT DID I DO?!?!??!?!?!?!?

Batman: *alive* Hey guys, what'd I miss?

Jessica: Uhhhh……

Harvey: *dead*

Alfred: *gives death stare to everyone* Nothing, Master Wayne. So good to have you back.

Joker: Alfred's a total crazy nut-man. HIGH FIVE, ALFRED!!!! DIDN'T THINK YOU HAD IT IN YA'!

Everyone: *secretly laughs at "nut-man"*

Batman: Alfred….?

Joker: Alfred…hahaha....he….hahaha…

Batman: WHAT????? *pouts* Are you guys talking about me behind my back?

Alfred: *stares intensely at Batman* Never, Master Wayne. YOU'RE SUCH A BEAUTIFUL PERSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *starts sobbing*

Joker: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA….

Batman: TELL ME!!!!  
Jessica: *Fed up* Alfred murdered your parents, okay? Deal with it. *gives Super-death-stare to everyone* *several eyes in the audience burn* *starts to hiss* Now how about some…categories???

Joker: *whispering to Batman* Are your eyes burning?

Batman: *sniffling* No, but my heart is.

Joker: *Stabs batman in eyes* HOW ABOUT NOW!!!! *laughs hysterically and nearly dies*

Batman: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Rachael! Rachael! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Harvey: *alive* That is so my shout.

Rachael: *still in bathroom with hand caught in paper towel dispenser*

Jessica: JOKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *studio shakes* *all is quiet*

Joker: Uhhhh…yes?

Jessica: *spitting venom* Categories. C-a-t-e-g-o-r-i-e-s. NOW.

Batman: Ooooooooooooooooooh, somebody's in trouble.

Joker: How're your eyes?

Batman: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Joker: *laughs hysterically*

Jessica: EVERYONE SHUT UP!!!! *punches Harvey*

Harvey: *whining* What did I doooooooooooooooooooo?

Jessica: *ignoring Harvey like everyone else* And here are the categories…

*monitors on gameboard ding*

Jessica: *reading categories* We have "The" "Joker" "owns" "all".

Joker: *Cackles and falls over podium in hysteria*

Batman: I'll take justice for 400.

Jessica: There is no justice.

Batman: OH, ISN'T THERE????? *punches Joker*

Harvey: I don't get it.

**Please review! Your input is always valued! Heh, maybe not ALWAYS, but still…it's nice to know what you guys think! **


	2. Headed to the forest

**Jessica is getting sick of everybody…**

Jessica: Okay, you know what? I'm sick of all of you!

Harvey: *whining* Even meeeeeeeeeeeee?

Jessica: *kicks Harvey in face*

Harvey: HOW DID YOU EVEN DO THAT?!?!?!?!?

Jessica: It's the magic of hate.

Batman: So, what are we going to do now?

Jessica: Well, I just need some nature to get you all out of my head. I'm going hiking. Kill yourselves, for all I care.

Joker: *eyes everyone in room hungrily* Well, why didn't ya just say so?????? *pulls out knife*

Jessica: *hurrying out back door of studio* Well, ya'll have fun with that!

**LATER…Jessica has gone hiking at a local nature preserve to get all of the annoying mayhem out of her head. She's walking along the trail when…**

Joker, Batman, Alfred, and Rachael: *jumping out from behind tree* SURPRISE!!!

Jessica: JESUS HOLY F---, HOW THE F--- DID YOU EVEN GET THE F--- IN HERE?????? AND HOW DID ALL OF YOU EVEN FIT BEHIND THAT F------ TREE???

Batman: Never question the ways of *stares intensely at nothing* Batman.

Alfred: We came in the gate like everybody else. And the tree-

Batman: Way to ruin it, Alfred.

Alfred: PLEASE DON'T BE MAD AT ME! I HATE IT WHEN YOU'RE MAD AT ME!!! *starts sobbing*

Rachael: Oh my god, where's Harvey??????????????

Jessica: *still really really really really angry* WHAT A WORLD ENDING CRISIS! HOW ABOUT I CALL THE ARMY? HOW ABOUT I CALL THE PRESIDENT! OH MY GOD, HARVEY'S MISSING! WE'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LIVE AGAIN!!! *fakes crying*

Joker: *laughing hysterically, as always* Well, I'll put you down as 'insane as heck'. But where is that Harvey boy? I haven't tasted him in a while.

Everyone: *stares at Joker and moves away from him slowly*

Alfred: Does anybody hear that?

*A sound like someone yelling echoes in the forest*

Batman: Yeah, I think it's getting louder!

*Harvey crashes down in middle of group*

Jessica: *sarcastically* Oh good, _there's_ the other one!

Joker: *licks lips* Yeah, _there's_ a Harvey.

Rachael: *stares at Joker* Okay, eww. Doesn't anybody care about where Harvey just came from?

Jessica: No.

Batman: Not really.

Alfred: I'll have to side with Master Wayne.

Joker: *flicks out knife* Does anybody care about where my _scars _came from?

Harvey: *barely alive* N-n-n-o-o-o-o.

Joker: *slaps Harvey* You should care!

Harvey: *still barely alive* By the way, I-I f-fell from a t-tree.

Joker: *goes into hysterical fit of laughter and dies*

Batman: We were supposed to go _behind _a tree, not _up_ a tree!

Jessica: *punches Harvey* That's for being an idiot. *punches Harvey again* And that's for ruining my day.

Alfred: *punches Harvey so hard that his head falls off* AND THAT'S FOR STEALING MY TEAPOT, YOU BASTARD!!!!

Everyone: Well, okay then…

Joker: *alive* Actually, I stole your teapot. I needed it…for, um…my purposes. *cackles*

Alfred: *throws punch at Joker* *misses and hits Harvey instead*

Harvey: *back to full strength* I'm getting sick of being the punch line for everything.

Jessica: *annoyed* Yeah, well right now I'm more interested in what Joker did with Alfred's teapot.

Alfred: AS AM I!

Batman: Well, Joker…?

Joker: *shifty eyes* I told you. My purposes.

Batman: SPECIFICS, GOD D--- YOU!

Alfred: *almost faints* I love when you yell.

Joker: Um…well…

Harvey: C'mon, Joker, tell your story! When it's done maybe people will finally be interested in me!

Jessica: Heh. Not a chance.

Harvey: *scowls and dies for no reason*

Joker: Okay, so the teapot was for…you see, society is a twisted place where people…

Batman: *yelling at top of lungs* DON'T GO INTO A RANT! JUST TELL US WHAT YOU USED THE DANG TEAPOT FOR!

Joker: *gives up* Fine! I used it to strangle a puppy, steal money from a hobo, blow up a nursing home, kill off a species of frog in the Amazon Rainforest, and set fire to the entire city of Los Angeles! All…while…smiling! *laughs hysterically* You wanted to know!

Alfred: Oh. Honestly, I thought it would be worse.

Joker: And I think I also peed in it.

Alfred: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! UNACCEPTABLE! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT WITH MY TEAPOT???????

Jessica: How did you even pee in a…? *gets picture in head of how Joker did it* *barfs on Joker*

Joker: *pulls out knife* THAT'S THE SECOND TIME!

Harvey and Rachael: Hey, we're here too! Don't forget about us!

Jessica: *sarcastically* Who could forget about _you?_

*Random tourist walks by*

Tourist: Do you realize how much noise you're making? My group won't get to see any animals!

Jessica: I have some animals right here.

Batman: I'm a bat. Does that count?

Tourist: *stares at Batman for a long, awkward minute* No.

Joker: Do you _really_ wanna see some animals?

Tourist: Yeah!

Joker: *holding back laughter* Really?

Tourist: Why yes, stranger in clown make-up who I feel I can trust, I do!

Joker: Then here…you…go! *pulls out machine gun* *blasts rounds into forest* *after all is quiet, runs into forest and finds a dead deer* *hauls it out and throws it at tourist*

Tourist: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! *dies*

Everyone: *horrified stare*

Joker: *laughs* What?

Jessica: *gulps* I'm going to try and forget that as quickly as possible…

Harvey: Guys, I think we need to get outta here.

Batman: *hysterical over breaking law* Nah, just because Joker shot up the whole forest, killed a tourist, and accidentally killed Rachael too? WHY WOULD WE HAVE TO LEAVE?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Harvey: Wait, what about that last part? Rachael's dead? Hmm. Sad.

Jessica: *amazed stare at Harvey* Actually, for once I think Harvey's right. About leaving, I mean.

Harvey: What? WHAT? REALLY? *does happy dance for ten minutes*

Batman: *still hysterical* YEAH, BUT WHERE DO WE GO, HUH??? WHERE?????

Joker: *stares at Batman* I'll mark you down as 'insane as heck' too.

Alfred: If I may make a suggestion…maybe we could go shopping for a new teapot?

*Everyone murmurs over idea*

Joker: Hehehe…you mean a new toilet?

Batman: *calms down* I'm good with it.

Harvey: *still doing happy dance*

Rachael: *dead*

Jessica: *backing slowly away from group* Well, have fun shopping…I guess I'll catch up with you later…

Batman: Wait, does anybody have a car? I don't.

Joker: I have a knife. Does that count?

Harvey: *happy dance*

Alfred: You would think that I would, but I don't.

Batman: *staring at Jessica* Hey, you have a blue Honda Civic, don't you…?

Jessica: Uh…well…wait, how do you know that? *suspicious stare*

Batman: *shifty eyes* No reason…

**Five minutes later…Joker, Harvey, Batman, Alfred, and the dead body of Rachael (in the trunk) are piled in Jessica's blue Honda Civic, which Jessica is unhappily driving. They're heading to buy Alfred a new teapot…**

**I'll update this as soon as I can! Please review! **


	3. Off to get a teapot?

**Everybody's headed to buy Alfred a new teapot…**

Jessica: *looking at Alfred in review mirror* So where do you wanna go? Target? Wal-mart?

Alfred: *laughing indignantly* Ha. You've _obviously _never been shopping for a teapot before.

Jessica: What? Where do I have to go then?

Alfred: That's secret information. I'll tell you when the time comes.

Joker: *from backseat* You know, I'm in a very uncomfortable position here.

Jessica: *turns around* *sees Joker upside-down with legs out window* Well why are you even sitting that way?

Joker: BECAUSE BATMAN WON'T MOVE HIS STUPID BAT-EARED HEAD!

Jessica: Batman, just move over.

Batman: I don't wanna.

Jessica. WHY?!?!??!?!?!?!?!

Batman: Never question the ways of *stares intensely at nothing* Batman.

Joker: *pulls out knife*

Jessica: HEY! NO KNIVES IN THE CAR!

Joker: I was just gonna cut Harvey, though!

Jessica: Oh, yeah. Carry on.

Harvey: *trying to back away* No…nonononono….*pushes self against car door* *car door opens and Harvey falls out*

Harvey: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

Joker: BYE, HARVEY!!!

Batman: Oh…oh god.

Jessica: What?

Batman: Don't…look…back at Harvey…

Jessica: *looks back at Harvey, who's splattered on the road* OH MY GOD! IS THAT HIS SPLEEN? *barfs on Joker*

Joker: THAT'S THE THIRD AND FINAL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!! *pulls out knife* *jumps into front seat*

Jessica: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! GET OFF OF ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alfred: *trying to get Jessica's attention* Umm, excuse me…

Jessica: *punches Joker* Ha, take that!

Alfred: *still trying to get Jessica's attention* The teapot place…

Joker: *evil cackle* Cuts Jessica's arm and fine new leather seats* That's for my suit!

Jessica: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Alfred: JESSICA!

Jessica: *pushes Joker into backseat* WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Alfred: THE TURN FOR THE TEAPOT STORE IS COMING…RIGHT…NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jessica: *many expletives* *grabs wheel, turns it at ungodly angle* HANG ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Joker: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! *smashes against side of car*

*Car almost flips over*

*Jessica stomps on brake*

Alfred: Hey, we're here!  
Jessica: NO THANKS TO YOU! YOU COULD'VE GIVEN ME THE DIRECTIONS JUST A TINY BIT SOONER, DON'T YA THINK???

Batman: And now the cops are here! *going hysterical again* WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?????

Jessica: Everybody calm down! Try to act normal, for God's sake!

Joker: Heh. Good luck with that.

Cop: *walking up to car* Excuse me, who's the owner of this vehicle?

Alfred: *points at Jessica* Her.

Cop: Can I see some license and registration, Ma'am?

Jessica: *in head: HE MA'AM-ED ME!* That's all you wanna see?

Joker: Yeah, you don't care that she has me, America's Most Wanted, in her backseat?

Batman: *kicks Joker very hard*

Joker: *uncontrollable laughter*

Cop: Well, that's interesting…

Joker: Yeah, I'm feeling kinda left out here.

Jessica: *hands tense on wheel*

Cop: *eyeing Joker and cop car* Anything else I should know about?

Joker: You have no idea.

Cop: Okay, everybody out of the vehicle!

Everybody: NO!

Cop: DO IT!

Joker: You didn't say please.

Batman: *hysterical* DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM??? I'M BATMAN! I SAVE PEOPLE! YOU CAN'T DO THIS! IT'LL RUIN MY REPUTATION!

Cop: Get…out…of…the…car. NOW.

Everybody: *gets out of car* Fine.

Cop: *holds gun towards group* I need you to disarm yourselves.

Everybody: *turns toward Joker*

Joker: Oh, jeez. Okay let's see…*pulls out knife, bazooka, medieval flail, guillotine, rifle, and tweezers*

Jessica: Wow. I had no idea.

Cop: Now everybody stay put! *goes around back of car*

Alfred: Oh no! He's going to check the trunk!

Jessica: Please tell me that somebody moved Rachael!

Joker: No.

Alfred: I didn't.

Batman: *hysterical* WE'RE ALL GOING TO JAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cop: *opens trunk* Oh my god…

Jessica: *nervously* What is it, officer?

Cop: Is she…dead?

Alfred: No…that's…uh…Morgan, my daughter. She's sleeping.

Cop: She has bullet holes in her.

Batman: *still hysterical* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *dies*

Cop: *talking into radio* We need all units, out to my position. I repeat, all units, out to my position. *turns away to get handcuffs from police car*

Jessica: *whispering urgently to Joker* We need to bolt, okay? On three.

Joker: Don't look at me! I'm the one without the plan, remember?

Jessica: You're right. *turns to Alfred* We need to bolt on three.

Alfred: Agreed.

Jessica: One, two…three!

Joker, Alfred, and Jessica: *jump into car*

Jessica: *guns engine* *car starts to speed away*

Cop: HEY!

Joker: Hay is for horses! *cackles*

Alfred: OH MY GOD, WE FORGOT MASTER WAYNE!!!

Jessica: DO YOU WANT ME TO GO BACK???? CUZ' I CAN'T EXACTLY DO THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Police sirens echo from all around*

Joker: Ooh, a police chase! FUN! Can I drive?

Jessica: NOT A F------ CHANCE!!!

Alfred: *sobbing* MASTER WAYNE….NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Joker: Oh, calm down. *slaps Alfred* I would've carved you right there, but I left my knife back with the cop.

Jessica: Hmm. Good to know.

*Harvey appears in backseat of car*

Jessica: Why are you here? I thought you were dead!

Harvey: Am I in Hell?

Joker: Would you like to be?

Harvey: What?

Jessica: Harvey. WHY ARE YOU HERE???

Harvey: Well, we can just pop back alive any time, right? And are you sure I'm not in Hell?

Jessica: Hmm. I wonder why Rachael never came back to life.

Joker: I don't really care.

Jessica: Agreed!

Alfred: *still sobbing* I miss…his…scent…

Jessica: Oh my god! *turns car around*

Everyone: *thrown against side* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Alfred: *sniffling* Are we going back?

Jessica: *holding steering wheel in death grip and screaming* YEAH, WE ARE!!!

Alfred: YAY!

Joker: *sarcastically* Yeah. Woo-hoo.

Harvey: Oh my god! We're surrounded by cops!

Jessica: *sarcastically* No, _REALLY _Harvey???

Alfred: *frantically* Does anybody see him?!?!?!?!?!?!?

*The cops are making a tight circle around the speeding car*

Jessica: I see him! He's still lying on the pavement!

Alfred: GO IN CLOSE! WE CAN GET HIM!

Harvey: BUT THE COPS HAVE US COMPLETELY CLOSED IN!!!  
Joker: Harvey, Harvey, Harvey. Has that ever stopped us before?

Harvey: *screaming at Jessica* YOU NEED TO STOP THIS CAR IMMIEDIATELY AND SURRENDER! WE CAN'T MAKE IT, AND I WON'T HAVE MY RECORD TARNISHED!

Joker: *reaches into pocket for knife to kill Harvey* *finds nothing* *strangles Harvey instead*

Jessica: Oh my god, thank you. Just for that, we can pick up your knife along with Batman.

Joker: *fist pump*

Jessica: Okay, we're going through the cops now…..EVERYBODY HANG ON….

*Car demolishes cop car, despite being tiny Honda Civic*

Everybody: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Alfred: Wait, there he is! STOP THE CAR! STOP THE--

*Ominous thump from under the car*

Jessica: Oh no…

Joker: *goes into hysteric fit of laughter*

Alfred: *puppy eyes at Jessica* How…could you…

Jessica: I didn't know…

Alfred: *puppy eyes turn into flaming eyes of death* I WILL MURDER YOU!!! *jumps into front seat* *begins attacking Jessica*

Jessica: WHY AM I GETTING ATTACKED BY EVERYONE TODAY?!?!?!?!?

Joker: Eww, don't do that. You sound like Harvey.

Batman: *opening car door* Hey guys…wassup?

Alfred: *jumps into Batman's arms* We thought we ran you over with the car!

Batman: *drops Alfred* Almost, but not quite.

Jessica: Then what was the thump we heard?

Joker: It wasn't Harvey, was it?

Jessica: Heh. I wish.

Batman: No…it was *stares meaningfully at Joker* this. *holds out crumpled, half melting knife*

Joker: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! BETSY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *cradles knife in arms*

Everyone: Betsy?

Joker: I don't…want…to explain. *starts sobbing*

Batman: Wow, that's out of character.

Jessica: I personally would've gone with Veronica.

Alfred: *looking at Joker* Are you okay?

Joker: *settling down* Yeah, fine…I've always got Julia to keep me company.

Jessica: Julia?

Joker: *flicks out shoe knife* Yeah. Julia.

Jessica: I. Want. That. So. Bad.

Joker: JULIA'S MINE!

*Jessica thinks about attacking Joker for his crazy awesome shoe knife*

Alfred: Umm…teapot store?

Jessica: *sighing* Where is it?

Alfred: It's right there. *points at huge sign that reads, "Wesley P. Snuffenbottom's Teapot Depot"*

Jessica: I AM NOT GOING IN THERE.

Joker: *laughing* That is the _stupidest _name I've EVER heard! Besides Harvey, of course.

Harvey: *alive* Hey!

Joker: *cackles* Hay is for horses! *cackles again*

Batman: You already used that one!

Jessica: OKAY, WE'LL GO! *drives off in fury of police activity unnoticed*

Harvey: Are we there yet?

Jessica: DON'T YOU EVEN START.

**Well, looks like they're finally going to get Alfred a teapot. There's more to come! Reviews, anyone?**


	4. A Very Looong trip to the Teapot Depot

**In the parking lot of "Wesley P. Snuffenbottom's Teapot Depot".....**

**Just to warn you, this is a particularly loooooooong installment, since the characters do tend to get off topic sometimes…well, more like A LOT of the time…Enjoy!**

Harvey: Are we there yet?

Jessica: *eyes glowing red* WE'RE IN THE PARKING LOT, YOU IDIOT. *turns to Joker* Shoe knife. Go.

Shoe knife: *Sproing!*

Harvey: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! *dies*

Jessica: That's what you get.

Alfred: So…can we go in?

Jessica: Lead the way.

*The group starts walking through the parking lot*

Joker: Ooh, check out that car! Oh yeah! *turns to Jessica* It's so much nicer than yours.

Oh, and check out that one! Nice paint job, huh? Also nicer than yours.

Jessica: *through gritted teeth* Why…do you…continue…to talk?

Joker: Hey, I'm an anarchist. Plus your car doesn't have air conditioning.

Batman: Hey, we're here!

Jessica: Heh. I'd be surprised if they even let us through the door.

Doorman: Ah, hello! Welcome to-

Jessica: Please don't say the whole name.

Alfred: *look of recognition at doorman* Why, Charles! Hello!

Charles (the doorman): Alfred? My god, it's been ages!

Batman: So…who's this?

Alfred: *hugs Charles* This is my best friend 4eva!

Everybody: Okay then…

Harvey: *alive* Can we just go in the store already? My hair's getting messed up.

Batman: Yeah, mine too!

Charles: Well, I can't open the door when you have an attitude like that.

Harvey: *glares at doorman* And who the frick are you to decide?

Charles: *whispering* It's not me…it's the teapots.

Jessica: IS EVERYBODY INSANE HERE?!?!?!?!?

Joker: Short answer: yes. Long answer: Very much, yes.

Harvey: Just let me in the store.

Charles: *eyes growing large* This store is a magical place…and you must respect it as such. The beauty…cannot be experienced without a smile, a laugh, and *throws glitter at everyone* a little enchantment!

Everyone: *coughing as glitter clogs throats* *Harvey suffocates and dies*

Alfred: So well spoken!

Joker: So, Mr. Wonka, am I a good nut or a bad nut? *cackles*

Batman: You look more like an Oompa-Loompa.

Everyone: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Joker: *pulls out knife* *twirls it around threateningly and points it at Batman* THIS…IS…A CUSTOM SUIT…I MUST HAVE YOU KNOW. NOW JUST BECAUSE…YOU'RE A LITTLE JEALOUS…BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO WEAR…THAT TIGHT, SWEATY LITTLE BLACK GARBAGE BAG ALL DAY…DOESN'T MEAN WE NEED TO GO HURTING ANYBODY…ESPECIALLY NOT IF THEY'RE IN A…BEAUTIFUL…SUIT.

Jessica: Wow.

Alfred: I think you look beautiful in the suit, Master Wayne!

Batman: Alfred…as much as I like to be adored, please.

Alfred: *cries for hours*

Charles: Hey, uh…teapots? Magic? Remember? *throws glitter at everyone again*

Everyone: *coughing as glitter once again clogs throats*

Jessica: Sorry, we tend to get a little off topic sometimes. Oh, and one more thing: COULD YOU PLEASE STOP THROWING GLITTER???

Charles: *intense stare* Never.

Joker: Off topic? Is there ever a topic that we can be on? See, when people…they just want to control everything, and they don't care when…

Jessica: Please don't go into a rant.

Joker: Oh yah…*flicks out knife* Who's gonna stop me? *turns towards Batman* You?

Batman: Um…*fiddling with suit* Jeez, this suit really is kinda hot. Maybe I could go for more of a toga-ish approach next time, maybe something a little more open…

Joker: *cackles* And there he is, Gotham's hero!  
Alfred: Master Wayne, I think that your new suit would be…

Jessica: *evil death eyes at Alfred* ALFRED, NO. SPARE US THE PAIN.

Harvey: *whining* I wanna go in the stooooooooooooooore!

Charles: *losing his happiness* Fine, go in. You people are all *indignant sniff* too horrible for the teapots anyway. Why have you even brought them into my presence, Alfred?

Alfred: I thought you could help them. Now I see that they're beyond help.

Jessica: HOW COULD YOU NOT SEE THAT EARLIER?

Harvey: Does that mean we can go in?

Charles: *disappointed stare* Yes, fine. Go in. *opens door sadly* I just think this store deserves better.

Joker: Okay, you know what…*strangles Charles to death*

Alfred: CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARLES!

Jessica: *turns to Joker* Once again, I thank you.

Joker: *cackles* No problem. It's what I do.

*The group heads into the teapot store, dragging Alfred along*

Alfred: But I have to get Charles to the hospital!

Jessica: And perform mouth-to-mouth?

Alfred: Yes, definitely!

Jessica: No. You wanted a teapot, and you're gonna get it.

*Everyone steps into the store*

Batman: *eyes going wide* Wow, it's so…

Alfred: *forgetting dead friend* Look at everything…

Harvey: *starting to cry happy tears* I'm just so glad that nobody's killed me yet, so I can witness this…

Joker: *pulls out knife* *kills Harvey*

Jessica: I'm sorry, but…um…

Alfred: What?

Batman: Yeah, what?

Harvey: *dead*

Jessica: It's just a warehouse full of teapots. I mean, yeah, there are a lot, but…it's not like magical or anything.

Joker: I'm gonna have to agree…I'm completely unimpressed.

Jessica: Great. The two of us are seeing eye to eye. Maybe I should just go home. Alfred, can we just find you a teapot and get out of here?

*Random salesman pops out of nowhere*

Salesman: *incredibly, scarily happy* Hi, I'm Becky! I'll be your guide today! But first, let me welcome you to the beautiful, exotic, and wonderful world of teapots! *throws glitter at everyone*

*Everyone chokes*

Jessica: I feel like I'm entering a whole new world that I had no idea about.

Joker: Tell me about it.

Batman: Does everybody have glitter here?!?!?!?!?!? It's hard to get out of my suit.

Alfred: *happy eyes at Becky* I need the best teapot you have! Something extra special! Can you do that for me, Becky?

Becky: Of course! But first…uh…*eyes dead body of Harvey on the floor*

Joker: Oh, don't worry about him. He's just an annoying little bug who we like to squash now and again. And he should be popping back to life just about…

Harvey: *pops back to life* Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuys! That seriously isn't funny anymore!

Joker: *hands knife to Becky* Wanna try killing him? It's easy. *cackles*

Becky: *excited, as she is about everything* Yay, murder! I'm always up for trying new things!

Harvey: What? No! YOU CAN'T JUST RECRUIT NEW PEOPLE!

Joker: Try me.

*Becky moves in closer to Harvey*

Harvey: DON'T YOU EVEN _THINK _ABOUT CUTTING ME!!!!!!!!

Jessica: Do it, Becky. It's more fun than you could ever imagine.

Harvey: *evil glare*

Alfred: *becoming English and proper for a moment* Now, Rebecca…let us not give in to peer pressure.

Becky: *getting more excited* I WANNA KILL HIM! YEAH! WOOOOOOO!

Joker: *applauds* That's what I like to see! Now…slice him!

Batman: Wait! As Batman, I feel that it's necessary to step in and try to stop the murder of a civilian. Plus, I haven't had a line in a while. *hits Becky lightly* Well, I did my best. Sorry, Harvey. But not really.

*Becky kills Harvey*

Everybody (except Harvey): Woo! Way to be!

Jessica: Wait, what's she doing?

Becky: *continuing to cut Harvey* YEAH, MURDER!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOO!

Jessica: Okay, great…but why are you still killing him? He's dead.

Becky: *looks at everyone with sheer craziness in eyes* BECAUSE I LIKE TO KILL! *runs away from Harvey and into the vastness of the store, twirling the knife at customers and licking her lips*

Joker: HEY! COME BACK WITH MY KNIFE!

Batman: *glares at Joker* I can't believe you! You just create a killing machine and you only care that she has your _knife?_

Joker: What's the problem with creating a killing machine? *laughs hysterically* Well, I guess it's a good thing that I brought a spare.

Alfred: CAN WE GET A NEW SALESMAN, PLEASE?

Jessica: Oh, let's just wander. Maybe we can lose a few of you in the process.

Joker: *stares deadpan at Jessica* Yah, then we'll have more room in your small, crappy car.

Jessica: Grrrrrrrrrr…

Batman: *trying to move the group along* Hey, look guys! Check out all of those teapots over there! You like any of those, Alfred?

*The group walks over to a display of teapots*

Alfred: *sneering* Oh, these are so _old. _Last year, maybe older. I mean, look at that color! So out.

Jessica: They're teapots. Come on.

Joker: Oooooooooooooh! *runs off*

Batman: I'm scared to think of where he's going.

*Joker comes back clutching purple teapot*

Joker: This is my color! I love it!

Harvey: *alive* It looks stupid. And it's not even the same color purple as your—

*Joker whacks Harvey in head with teapot* *Harvey dies*

Joker: Wow, it even works as a murder weapon! *cackles hysterically and doubles over in a painful laughing fit*

Alfred: *eyes Joker* Are you quite finished?

Joker: *eyes Alfred* No, hang on. *breaks into another fit of side-splitting laughter*

Alfred: *joins in the laughter*

Batman: Umm…Alfred…?

Alfred: *trying to hold in giggles* I'm sorry…Master Wayne…but it's…contagious! Please join in…I know you'll love it.

Batman: *intense stare at nothing* I DON'T GIVE IN TO MY ENEMIES!

*Scarecrow randomly pops up and looks at Batman*

Scarecrow: Could you please sign this non-binding legal document?

Batman: Oh, uh…yeah. Sure. *signs document*

Scarecrow: Thanks for giving in. *vanishes*

Harvey: *alive* Did anybody catch the irony of that situation?

Joker: You remind me of my English teacher. *goes in close to Harvey* I _hated _my English teacher.

Jessica: *raises hand* Question: Is there anybody you _don't _hate?

Joker: *thinking hard* Uhh…well…Alfred's okay, I guess. Becky was interesting…and uh, you're alright sometimes…but…no. Not really. I still hate all of you, and I'm absolutely sure that I'll play some role in your death. *cracks a smile*

Everybody: *shifts away from Joker* Okay then…

Harvey: You've already played a role in my death like a hundred times today.

Joker: *kills Harvey with teapot again* Exactly.

Alfred: *moving over to another group of teapots* Hey, check this out! This is beautiful! *holds up teapot*

Batman: It's uh…pretty.

Alfred: *hurt* You don't like it? It's the same color as your eyes!

Everybody: *awkward stare at nothing*

Jessica: *eyeing teapot in disbelief* Whoa, wait…is that an air conditioner?

Alfred: *rolling eyes* Duhhhhhhhh. It's the latest technology in teapots!

Jessica: An air conditioner?

Alfred: But of course.

Jessica: Isn't that kinda going against the whole "hot tea" thing?

Joker: I think people like Alfred just like to see what big pieces of fancy looking metal they can attach to little things like teapots. See, it just shows that…

Batman: *pointing at another rack* Ooh, look at that one!

Joker: WHY DO NONE OF YOU EVER LISTEN TO MY RANTS?!?!?!?

Jessica: *sarcastically* Look into your heart. I'm sure you'll find the answer.

Joker: *grumbles*

Batman: OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'VE PUT UP WITH ALL OF YOU FOR LONG ENOUGH! HAVEN'T YOU NOTICED HOW POLITE I WAS BEING, TRYING TO MOVE EVERYBODY ALONG, KEEPING TO MYSELF, BLAHBLAHBLAH???

Joker: I noticed the blahblahblah part…

*Batman throws Joker violently against the wall, knocking over teapots*

Alfred: TEEEEEEEEEEEEAPOTS! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Batman: You stupid clown! YOU…ARE…INTOLERABLE! YOU ALWAYS STEAL THE SHOW FROM ME!

Joker: Yeah. That's the point.

Batman: BUT I'M *totally flips out* BATMAN, BATMAN! BATMAN! BAAAAAAAAAATMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! I'M BATMAN, THE BAT, IN THE FLESH, RIGHT HERE, BAAAAAAAAATMAAAAAAAAN! GAAH! NOTICE ME! I'M BATMAN! WHY WON'T YOU NOTICE ME?!?!?!?!?!?

Jessica: Jeez, are you Batman?

*Child walks by with parent*

Child: Look mom, it's Batman!

Parent: No, honey, that's just a crazy man pretending to be Batman.

Child: Oh.

*Pair walks off*

Harvey: *alive* Heh……..funny……

Batman: *Grabs teapot off shelf* *hits Harvey with it* *Harvey dies* GAAAAAAAH! *curls up in ball on the floor*

Joker: That's right, go to your happy place. *laughs until he collapses*

Alfred: MASTER WAYNE! Are you okay?

Jessica: *gesturing to Batman, who is currently in the fetal position* Alfred, does he _look_ okay to you?

Alfred: He…looks…FANTASTIC!

Jessica: Never mind. *curls up into ball on the floor beside Batman*

Harvey: *alive* Well, I might as well join you, seeing as I'll be lying dead here either way in a minute or so…god, my life sucks…*curls up into ball on the floor, joining Batman and Jessica*

Joker: That's three in one day. Pretty good. *gives Alfred a high-five* Oh yeah, Alfred, are you done yet? I'm getting hungry. *licks lips for way too long*

Alfred: Yes, me too. I think I'll just get the air conditioner model…it's state-of-the-art, it has a beautiful chrome finish, it was made in Myanmar, if you believe that, and it even…*continues to go on about the teapot for hours*

Joker: And now I know why nobody listens to my rants.

Jessica, Batman, and Harvey: *back from their fetal positions* YOU DECIDED? WOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOO! LET'S GO!

***Everyone rushes to the front check-out line, which is completely empty. Alfred buys his teapot, and all is going well until the Joker wants to purchase his…***

Joker: *places teapot on counter* This is it.

Check-out worker: Mmhmm. That'll be $76.75. Can I have your name, sir, so we can send you future updates on sales and tea parties?

Joker: *breaking into a sweat* Um…just…The Joker.

Check-out worker: *looking down at The Joker* Your _real_ name?

Joker: *flicks out knife* Are you sure you want to know? *cackles*

Check-out worker: Yes.

Joker: Oh. *puts away knife* It's um…Joseph. Joseph Kerr.

Check-out worker: How stupid do you think I am?

Joker: Well…

Check-out worker: Don't answer that. Here's one question I do want answered, however: WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

Joker: *getting defensive* WHY DO YOU WANNA KNOW? WHY SHOULD I TELL YOU? WHAT'RE YOU GONNA DO WITH IT, HUH? MAYBE I DON'T EVEN HAVE A NAME. MAYBE I SOLD IT, ALONG WITH MY SOUL. MAYBE IT'S JUST AFLOAT SOMEWHERE ON THE BREEZE, AND—

Check-out worker: You don't have to unleash the crazies. Just tell me your name.

Batman: *calling out from doors, where the rest of the group is waiting to leave* Yeah, tell her your name! Or are you…chicken? *makes obscene chicken noises and gestures*

Joker: *rushing to get it out* Okay-my-name-is-Winston-Pinfrell-and-I-don't-want-any-grief-over-it-so-there-you-go-and-let-me-leave-with-my-teapot-now-good-bye.

Check-out worker: Sorry, I didn't catch that.

Joker: *pulls out knife* *destroys computer and surrounding area in a fit of rage* DID…YOU…CATCH…_THAT?_

Jessica: *walking into scene* Okay, we're all hungry, so it's time to stop your little death-to-the-clerk party and come get some food. *hauls Joker up in a burst of strength that can only be explained as a combination of intense hunger and anger* WE. ARE. GOING. NOW. *turns toward check-out worker* Uh…sorry for…this.

Check-out worker: I see it all the time in Gotham. Not to worry.

Joker: *grabs teapot*

*Everybody walks out the door*

Batman: Fresh air! Sweet, fresh air! *goes down on knees* How I have missed you! *kisses ground*

Harvey: Way to make a scene.

Batman: Okay, you have to die now…*kills Harvey*

Jessica: Way to P.O. a bat, Harvey.

Alfred: *clutching stomach* I fear that if I don't eat, I'll have to do something very drastic…*eyeing Batman* Master Wayne, about how many good cuts could I get off of you if you were, say, a huge piece of ham?

Batman: I'm all good cuts! *starts dancing in what he thinks is an awesome way*

Everybody: MY EYES!

Joker: It's about ten cuts. *flicks out knife* And I think I would know.

Everybody: Yeah, okay…

Jessica: Okay, we need to eat. And since it appears that I am the one sane anchor securing this boat of crazies, I'll pick the place.

Batman: *stops dancing* You're just selfish. And that's not justice. That's just…selfishness.

Alfred: SO INSPIRING!

Joker: Heh. You sure about the anchor thing? You're not in tip top mental shape, if you ask me…

Jessica: WELL, DID I ASK YOU?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Harvey: *alive* You guys are jerks. Let's go to Arby's.

Everybody: NO! *kills Harvey*

Jessica: Wait, do those two things go hand in hand? Being a jerk and going to Arby's?

Everybody: *ponders Jessica's thought*

Alfred: You know what we should do? We should drive around, and when we see something we like, we'll stop.

Everybody: *random grumbles* Yeah, fine, fine…whatever.

Joker: Great, I have to get back in that crappy car again.

Batman: Oh my god, get over yourself.

Jessica: *eye roll at Batman* You should talk.

Batman: Why yes, yes I should.

Joker: Wow.

***The group finally gets over themselves and hops into Jessica's car, where everyone begins looking for a place to eat…* **

**Where will they go? Will they make it without somebody turning into a cannibal? And what will become of the newly purchased teapots? Find out this and more in the next chapter!**

**Thanks for reading (I know this was long)…please review. I mean, why not? You're here anyway, and I'm sure you've got something that you're dying to tell me. **


	5. IHOP and night pancakes

***The group is driving around in the car, looking for a place to eat…***

Batman: Hey, look! Chili's! Let's go there! They even have a chili pepper as their apostrophe!

Alfred: Wouldn't you want to go someplace more…upscale?

Batman: They. Have. A. Chili. Pepper. As. An. Apostrophe.

Joker: What about IHOP?

Harvey: I hate pancakes. Besides, you can't get pancakes at night, can you?

Everybody: *kills Harvey for not liking night pancakes*

Jessica: I'm good for IHOP.

Everybody: *agrees*

Alfred: *sighs* IHOP…much more upscale.

*The group pulls into IHOP and enters the restaurant, pulling Harvey's dead body along with them*

*They are greeted by a hostess who is extremely happy, almost to the point of a nervous breakdown*

Hostess: *smiling intensely* HI, I'M RHONDA! I'LL BE YOUR SERVER TODAY!!!

Jessica: WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING???

Rhonda: *goes in close to group and laughs nervously and insanely* I have to shout. I have to be happy. I have to do what they want, because we wouldn't want to get hurt, no…no…

*An ominous man walks in the background, pointing a taser threateningly at Rhonda*

Rhonda: *stops whispering* SO, FOLLOW ME TO YOUR SEAT!!! *eyes dead body of Harvey and loses her happy and shout-y manner for a moment* Wait, is he dead?

*A shadow swoops in and Rhonda disappears in a flurry of muffled shouts, replaced by someone else*

Other person: HI, I'M JILL! I'LL BE YOUR SERVER TODAY! FOLLOW ME TO YOUR SEATS, WHERE I WILL NOT QUESTION YOU ABOUT THINGS THAT YOU ARE CARRYING, LIKE DEAD BODIES!!!

Joker: I love this place!!!

Everybody: *follows Jill and secretly plans an escape route*

*The group sits down at the table and Harvey comes back to life*

Harvey: *looks around* We're at IHOP??? CRAP!!!

Joker: *opens pack of Splenda and dumps it in Harvey's hair for no particular reason*

Harvey: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

*Jill comes back to the table*

Jill: WHAT WOULD YOU ALL LIKE TO DRINK? *nods at Harvey to start talking, who of course is immediately interrupted by Batman*

Batman: I'll have a—

Alfred: *hands Jill teapot* We're all having tea. From this teapot.

Harvey: *whines* *whines some more*

Jill: *taking teapot* I'm sorry, we don't accept teapots from strangers, even if they do have very trustable accents.

*A shaded figure swoops in and Jill is gone, replaced again by someone else*

Person: *too happy* HI, I'M KIM! I'LL BE YOUR SE-

Jessica: WE KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alfred: Take this teapot and make tea with it, or by god I will rain down on this restaurant with a fire from the devil himself!

Joker: *secret under-the-table high five to Alfred*

Kim: *takes teapot and backs away from table slowly, smiling and winking the whole way*

Jessica: *looks at Joker* You've been very quiet recently. *turns to Batman* And so have you.

Batman: BATMAN CAN DO WHATEVER HE WANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alfred: *looks at Batman admiringly*

Jessica: *sighs and bangs her head on the table* Never mind.

Joker: Do you want to know why I've been so quiet?

Jessica: Do I have a choice, or are you just going to tell me anyway?

Joker: Just watch Harvey. *cackles insanely*

Harvey: WHAT DID YOU DO?????????? OH MY GOD, WHAT DID YOU DO??????? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Batman: *backs away from Harvey* *pushes Joker up against wall* WHAT DID YOU DO????

Joker: *cackles* Like…you really…want…to know! Like you even…care about anything…but your bat suit!

Alfred: WHICH LOOKS AWESOME! *hyperventilates*

Batman: Yeah, I actually don't care. *sits down*

Joker: You're not going to argue? Or fight?

Batman: Nope.

Joker: *glares* *turns to Jessica* Can you argue with me?

Jessica: Nah. I wanna see what happens to Harvey!!!

Harvey: THIS IS INHUMANE!!! AND IT BETTER NOT MESS UP MY HAIR!!!

Joker: Alfred? Argument? Fight sequence???

Alfred: *looking at Batman and not paying attention*

Joker: AHHHHHHHHHHHH! *bangs head against table repeatedly* WHY WON'T YOU FIGHT ME???? WHY DON'T YOU CARE????????

Jessica: Because it's Harvey, oh master crime genius of the world. Where were you for the last 7 hours??? If you want a reaction, pick someone we actually care about.

Joker: *cackles and rolls on the floor in laughter* That's why I didn't do anything to Harvey…you know, Alfred's really the one you should watch these days…*almost dies in laughter*

Harvey: *starts to sing "Stayin' Alive"* Oh oh oh oh stayin' aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive………

Jessica: *bludgeons Harvey to death with salt shaker*

Batman: WHAT DID YOU DO???

Joker: Now you'd like to know, wouldn't you…*cackles*

Alfred: You've poisoned me! That under-the-table high five was poisonous!

Batman: WHAT UNDER-THE-TABLE HIGH FIVE???????

Joker: Oh, calm down now, we do it all the time……….*cackles and rolls over the table, then falls and rolls over the floor*

Harvey: *alive* Is anybody but me wondering where the drinks are?

Jessica: *bludgeons Harvey to death with pepper shaker*

Batman: *throws Joker down on the table* TELL ME WHAT YOU DID!!!!!!!!!!

Joker: Make me.

Jessica: *throws hands up in air* This isn't going to work! He isn't going to tell us anything!

Alfred: Master Wayne…

Batman: *punches Joker* TELL ME!!!!  
Alfred: MASTER WAYNE…

Batman: TELL ME OR I'LL STUFF PANCAKES DOWN YOUR THROAT UNTIL YOUR ENTIRE BODY EXPLODES AND CHILDREN FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD COME AND LICK SYRUP FROM YOUR COLD, DEAD EYE SOCKETS!!!

*The entire restaurant goes quiet and several children begin to cry*

Joker: *dies of laughing fit*

Alfred: MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASTER! WAAAAAAAAAAYNE!

Batman: *turns toward Alfred harshly* WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT???

Alfred: I feel…funny…

Joker: *alive* Hey, so do I!

*Crickets chirping*

Joker: Sorry. One…two…three…

*Alfred explodes and thousands of Joker cards flutter around the restaurant*

Joker: *catches Joker cards on tongue like snow flakes*

Harvey: *alive* Where's Alfred and why is there a spleen in my hair?

Jessica: Do the math.

Batman: ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLFRED, NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! *gets meaningful stare in eyes as he looks out into the distance and broods* *talks intensely* This madman…needs to be stopped. But I don't know if I have the power to stop him. *ominous music plays from nowhere*

Joker: *starts dancing* Yah dah dah dah! *notices Batman staring intensely at him* Oh…uh, were you talking to me?

Batman: *broods*

Joker: Okay then.

*Kim the server finally comes back, holding a twisted hunk of metal*

Kim: HEY, GUYS! SORRY TO KEEP YOU WAITING, BUT WE HAD AN ACCIDENT IN THE KITCHEN! WHERE'S THE OWNER OF THIS TEAPOT? *gestures towards twisted hunk of metal*

Alfred: *alive and suddenly right next to Kim, who freaks out and drops the hunk of metal into his hands* MY GOD, WOMAN! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY TEAPOT?????? *sobs*

Jessica: *getting up slowly and walking over to Alfred* Alfred, it's okay…calm down…

Alfred: *going scarily quiet* Oh, I'm calm. I'm veeeeeeeeery calm. I'm just absolutely fantastic. You know what else is fantastic? My teapot. Yes, it's great. Because you know what I can do with it now? Huh, do you know?

Jessica: What? *backs away and grabs Harvey to use as a shield, just in case things go ugly*

Harvey: HEY! Seriously, why am I always the punch line? Do you people have no respect for human life? No empathy for the human soul?

Joker: *starts to get up* Are you sure you want me to answer that question?

Harvey: *horrified look* I love being a shield! I dressed up as one once in the third grade! DON'T KILL ME!

Alfred: Excuse me.

Jessica: Oh yes…continue.

Alfred: Okay. *clears throat* *goes scarily quiet again* Because you know what I can do with it now?

Everybody: What?

Alfred: I CAN USE IT TO FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *whacks Kim in the head with former teapot*

Batman: *goes over to where the action is and broods*

*After a few more minutes of head-whacking, the group goes and sits back down at the table*

Jessica: You know what I realized? We haven't even eaten yet!

Alfred: And I brutally murdered our server, so…

Joker: WE SHALL EAT HARVEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *cackles*

Jessica: He's fun to kill, but I don't want him in my stomach.

Joker: Then what are we gonna do, huh?

Batman: *intensely* Sometimes there are questions that we just can't answer. Inner questions. Questions of right and wrong. Questions of good and evil.

Jessica: We're talking about _pancakes. _*slaps Batman* Snap out of it!

***The group gets pancakes after stealing them from a five year old, and after noticing the time, decide to drive and check into an inconspicuous hotel for the night so the cops can't find them. WHAT WILL HAPPEN? You know what you have to do to find out…***

**Well, that's number five. Reviews? **


	6. Hotel Le Ground

***The group must stop and find a hotel for the night…***

Harvey: There's a Best Western. How about we stay there?

Jessica: Do you honestly think that the cops haven't sent out warnings to every major hotel in the area? We have Rachael's _dead body _in our trunk, and *points to Joker* that guy. I'm surprised they didn't nab us at IHOP.

Joker: Maybe we should skip the hotel and sleep in the car.

Batman: Funny.

Joker: For once in my life, I'm not joking.

Batman: BATMAN DOESN'T SLEEP WITH KILLERS!!!!!

Alfred: *speaking in an eerily quiet and ninja-like way* I know a place where we can go.

Jessica: Great. Where?

Alfred: Where the river of twao-twoung reaches the golden monkey, we shall find the light.

Jessica: You're not a ninja just because you killed one waitress and you can talk cool, Alfred.

Alfred: BUT I WAS BORN TO BE A NINJA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Harvey: I wanna be a ninja too!

Joker: Wow, Harvey, really? I never would have guessed that you could butt into a conversation and demand something that doesn't even involve you and your self-obsessed, infantile ways. *pulls out knife* Care to do it again? Or should I just cut your face off now? *cackles slightly at the premise of cutting Harvey's face off*

Harvey: *laughs* You said "butt."

Joker: *laughs so insanely that the car begins to violently shake* I did, didn't I? THAT'S FUNNY, ISN'T IT?????????????????????????????????????

Jessica: Would you two knock it off?

Harvey: *laughs* No, this guy's hilarious! He said "butt!"

Batman: BATMAN THINKS THAT'S FUNNY TOO! BATMAN IS NOW LAUGHING! *starts laughing*

Jessica: Is that your new thing now, talking in the third person? Because it's creepy and stupid.

Batman: BATMAN KNOWS YOU SECRETLY LOVE IT!!!!

Joker: *seething with anger* Well, since I'm obviously _entertaining _you fellows, I'd like to let you know that there's more on the way.

Harvey: Are you gonna say "butt" again?

Joker: *cackles* Oh, Harvey, Harvey…

Alfred: *speaking ninja-like again* Careful, Harvey son! Do not upset the dragon by stealing his milk!

Harvey: What?

Joker: *grabs Harvey around the throat, pulls out his knife and carves ""butt" into Harvey's forehead, opens the window and whips Harvey out*

Harvey: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….! *disappears from view*

*The Joker has a laughing fit that propels him to the front of the car, blocking Jessica's view of the road*

Jessica: *frantic* AHHHHHHHHH! I can't see!!! I can't see!!!!!!!!!!!! Move!!! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO THIS???

Joker: It's chaos. I like chaos. *cackles*

Batman: *slams into car door and then slams into ceiling* OWWW! BATMAN IS NOT ENJOYING THIS!!!!!

Jessica: *trying to get control of car* AHHHHHHH, SHUT UP!!!!!!!!

Alfred: *still trying to be a ninja* TO TAME THE OX, YOU MUST FIRST KNOW THE POWER OF THE GOLDEN BAMBOO KICK!!!

Jessica: *still trying to gain control of car* ALFRED, YOU NEED TO SHUT UP TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Joker: Why so serious?

Jessica: MAYBE BECAUSE THE CAR IS ABOUT TO CAREEN OFF OF A BRIDGE AND FALL INTO A RIVER?!?!?!?!?!?!?

*The car careens off of a bridge and falls into a river*

Joker: You're not supposed to actually answer the question. It's kinda just supposed to hang in the air and freak people out.

*The car slowly sinks into the water*

Jessica: I can't get my door open!!!! IT'S STUCK!!!

Alfred: To master the flying—

Jessica: GAAAAAAAAAH! *grabs Alfred and tries to use him as a battering ram to get the door open* *it doesn't work*

Batman: BATMAN THINKS—

Jessica: GAAAAAAAAAAAH! *grabs Batman and tries to use him as a battering ram to get the door open* *it also doesn't work*

Joker: Weeeeeeeeeel, just look around at this. Four humans, trapped together in a sinking car. One human has already knocked two other humans unconscious in her attempt to escape. What will they all resort too next? How _animal _will they get? *cackles*

Jessica: *glares* Would you like to be used as a battering ram too?

Joker: Now, now, now…I'm just here to observe.

Jessica: Great. Observe all you want while you help me get this door open.

Joker: Hmmm…what's in it for me?

Jessica: Uhhh…LIFE???

Joker: And what do I care about this…life?

Jessica: *throws hands up in air* I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU CARE!!! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS NOW????

Joker: Because I have…this. *pulls out scuba gear and cackles*

Jessica: Oh my god. You didn't.

Joker: Yes, I did. And soon, that windshield is going to break under the pressure of the water. Do you know what it's like to drown? It's not fun. Now, I'm curious…what will you do for this scuba gear? Hmmm?

Jessica: I hate you. I really do.

Joker: *bows*

Batman: *wakes up* Oh….what….? I mean, BATMAN IS CONFUSED!!!!!!! Oh, never mind. *looks around* Hey, we're trapped in a car! How did that happen?

Jessica: *turns frantically to Batman* CAN'T YOU USE SOME SORT OF WEAPON TO BLAST US OUT OF HERE?????

Batman: Well, I suppose…what's in it for me?

Jessica: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Batman: Okay, fine. *uses weapon to blast through door, sending water pouring into the car*

*Batman grabs the still unconscious Alfred and swims away, Jessica swims out next, and the Joker swims out last*

Jessica: *secretly hopes that "river sharks" exist and that one of them will bite the Joker's head off*

*Batman, Alfred, and Jessica make it to shore successfully*

Alfred: *waking up* Oh…uh…*staring up at Batman and smiling foggily* Hello.

Jessica: Thank god, you're not a ninja anymore!

Alfred: What's a ninja?

Batman: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! HE'S FOTGOTTEN HIMSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Quick, who's the president?

Alfred: Roosevelt?

Batman: *arching eyebrow* _Which _Roosevelt?

Alfred: Theodore?

Batman: That's good enough for me.

Alfred: Where is that man in the make-up…what's his name? Al Roker?

Jessica: The Joker? I think we can thank a river shark for his absence…

*The Joker walks up on shore*

Jessica: DANG YOU, RIVER SHARKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everybody: *stares at Jessica*

Joker: Now, uh…I have something to tell you idiots. *dramatic pause*

Jessica: *waves hands around wildly* GO AHEAD!!!! DO YOU SEE US DOING ANYTHING ELSE, LIKE PERHAPS _FINDING A HOTEL?!?!?!?!?_

Joker: *continues dramatic pause and begins cackling silently, which eventually turns into violent, raspy laughter*

Batman: What is it? I DEMAND TO KNOW!!! *broods* *stops brooding* *broods some more* *stops*

Joker: Well, um…your little Rachael…

Batman: *perks up like a puppy dog* Rachael?

Alfred: *sensing the mass disappointment and depression that will follow, which will cause Batman to sit eating whole tubs of ice cream while watching Lifetime movies and bawling his eyes out* Master Wayne…

Joker: She's currently in a very interesting _predicament _right now, as she's sitting at the bottom of a lake in a trunk, her corpse rotting every second, her precious, precious features being slowly devoured as nature moves in to…to…now, where are the right words? *cackles*

Batman: *acquires tub of ice cream, Lifetime movie, and begins bawling eyes out*

Alfred: Now, Master Wayne, there's no need for that…*is ignored by Batman* Master Wayne, come now…*continues to be ignored* BRUCE, NOTICE ME FOR GOD SAKES!!!!! RACHAEL NEVER HAD THE POWER TO LOVE YOU!!!

Joker: Yeah, because we were too busy—

Batman: *looking wildly at Joker* THAT CAN'T BE TRUE BECAUSE RACHAEL TOLD HARVEY THAT SHE DIDN'T LIKE CLOWNS AND I KNOW THAT CUZ I STALKED HER WHEN SHE WENT TO THE CIRCUS AND I KNOW SHE DOESN'T LIKE MAKE-UP EITHER BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T PUT ON ANY IN THE MORNING AND PURPLE FREAKS HER OUT BECAUSE OF AN EMBARASSING INCIDENT AT HER FIRST BIRTHDAY, WHICH I SAW WHEN I BROKE INTO HER HOME VIDEO COLLECTION SO YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY CRAZY!!!!

Joker: *cackling with delight* Take a look in the mirror.

Batman: *loses sadness for a moment* Oh, I should, right? *flips hair* *returns to sadness*

Jessica: *turns to Joker* Did you and Rachael really…uh…

Joker: *trying to hold back laughter* No! But don't tell him that. *gestures over to Batman, who is in the fetal position*

Batman: *continues freaking out and generally going crazy*

Alfred: Master Wayne? Please stop! Your tears are too much for me!

Batman: *trying to hold back tears for Alfred* She was going to wait for me, Alfred. She was going to wait. *looks at Joker and broods*

Jessica: *turning to Joker* This is your fault.

Joker: Isn't it always? *cackles* *shrugs* What can I say? I love what I do.

Batman: SHE WAS GOING TO WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alfred: *goes up to Batman and puts an arm around his shoulder after deciding that he needs tough love* Actually, I received a note from her. She wasn't going to wait.

Batman: WHAT?!??!? *begins sobbing*

Joker: Don't worry…we were going to have a _very _nice life together.

Alfred: It's alright, Master Wayne. There's no use crying over her when she didn't want you, in all of your unbelievable awesomeness. So why don't we forget about that idiotic little devil and move on to more…important relationships?

Jessica: Alfred…you're doing a _really bad job._

Batman: *sniffling* Who was she going to wait for?

Joker: *slaps Batman* Were you not listening? *slaps Batman again* Has your brain become a pile of homogenized, pasteurized nothingness jelly? ME! She was waiting for ME!

Everyone: *dismisses Joker*

Joker: Grrr….

Harvey: *alive and running up to the group with "butt" still carved into his forehead* BOO-YAH! She was waiting for me, ya'll! Looks like the Harvey man wins this one!!! *does running man dance and attempts moonwalk with disastrous results*

Joker: *looks at Harvey and then at Batman* What do your _rules _say?

Batman: *looks at Harvey and then at Joker* Right now, I have no rules.

Joker: *smiles* That's right.

Harvey: What are we talkin' about, guys? *continues dancing*

Joker: *grabs Harvey by his hair*

Harvey: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! NOT MY HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH!

Joker: C'mon, you. Let's go have some _fun. _

Jessica: You put emphasis on a _lot _of stuff. Like that.

Joker: *drops Harvey and starts to walk back to Jessica*

Jessica: *holds up hands* Just sayin'.

Joker: *grabs Harvey again*

Harvey: HELP ME, BATMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jessica: Like he's ever helped you before.

Harvey: BATMAN!  
Batman: I'm coming! *launches at Harvey and tackles him away from Joker*

Harvey: Okay, thanks…but that kinda hurt!

Batman: Oh, you have _no _idea.

Jessica: Emphasis!

Batman: *punches Harvey* *kicks Harvey* *broods intensely at Harvey*

Harvey: AHHHHHHHHHHHH! THE BROOOOOOOOODING!

Joker: *kicks Batman* You are soooooooooooo boring. You have no idea how to do this, do you? *pulls out bazooka, knife, and pencil* Watch this.

Batman: *watches as Harvey dies at the hands of Joker* Ohhhhhhhhhh, I get it now.

*Batman and Joker walk back to Jessica*

Jessica: What'd you guys do? I couldn't see.

Batman: Oh! The Joker taught me a whole bunch of things that I didn't know before, such as how to actually kill someone and then not talk about it like my soul was ripped forcefully from my body.

Joker: Though that does sound like fun.

Jessica: Yeah, okay…so what happened?

Batman: First the Joker took the bazooka and pushed it—

Jessica: NEVERMIND! I don't need to know.

Batman: *looks around* Where's Alfred?

Alfred: *jumps out from nowhere* GIVING YOU A HUG!!!!!!!!!!! *hugs Batman*

Harvey: *alive* MY EYES ARE BURNING FROM THE LAME-NESS!!!!!! And why is there a bazooka in my—?

Jessica: OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!! We. Are. Going. To. Find. A. Place. To. Stay. NOW. We keep getting off track, and I'm sick of it. I think I see a neon sign in the distance, so let's go.

Joker: What type of malicious killing should I use on Harvey now?

Harvey: *scared, watery puppy dog eyes*

Jessica: BACK TO THE SUBJECT!!!

Joker: Oh, I'm _very _on subject.

Jessica: That doesn't even mean anything!!! It's just emphasis!

Alfred: I'llgo with you, Jessica.

Batman and Joker: *muttering under breath* Stupid show-offy British guy…

***Everyone walks in the direction of the neon sign and find that it is, in fact, a hotel...er, motel…***

Jessica: *reading name of hotel* El Cheapo Bandito's Fantastico Motel.

Batman: This can't be good.

Joker: Rooms for only fifteen dollars a night!

Alfred: No, this can't be good at all.

Jessica: *looking at the peeling paint and general scariness of the motel* I…uh, don't have any money, so uh…maybe we don't need to stay here…

Joker: _You're _the one who wanted to find a place. You wanna wait around for a Best Western to materialize? A Ramada? A Doubletree?

Jessica: Well, I guess—

Joker: A Hampton Inn and Suites? A Super Motel 8?

Jessica: Okay, we—

Joker: A Radisson? A Courtyard? An Econo Lodge?

Jessica: I GET IT!!!!

Joker: A Hilton?

Batman: *slaps Joker* I think he's broken.

Joker: An Embassy? A Sheraton?

Harvey: *triumphantly* Ha! Now who's more annoying?

Jessica: Still you.

Harvey: WAAAAAAA!

Joker: *snapped out of listing hotels at the sound of Harvey's annoying, high-pitched whining* Hi, Harvey…*decimates Harvey*

Alfred: *taps Joker politely on shoulder* Excuse me? What just happened to you?

Joker: *flicks out knife* That's a very interesting story…

Batman: Oh, please. I've heard this one before. It's boring.

Joker: *stopping short* But I never told this to anyone!

Batman: Hello, I'm _Batman._ I know everything.

Joker: Do you know how I got these _scars?_

Batman: Yeah.

Joker: CRAP! THAT'S ALL I GOT!!!!!!!!!!!

Jessica: *pushes Joker angrily towards door* Go threaten the clerk or something and get us a room. Go on, go.

Joker: Excuse me, my ego's been bruised.

Jessica: Oh…that's too bad…and I don't care.

Harvey: Do you care about _my _ego?

Jessica: Are you honestly stupid enough to ask me that question?

Harvey: OW! MY EGO!!! IT BUUUUUURNS!!!!!!

Joker: Well, jeez, Harvey…it couldn't ah been that big to begin with.

Batman: *butting into conversation with extreme superiority* My ego is so big that it has its own ego named Paul, and Paul has his own ego named Stanley.

Alfred: But his heart is even larger than his ego!!!

Batman: But my ego is pretty dang big. *struts around to show fabulous ego*

Jessica: Wow.

Joker: *stare*

Harvey: *random whining*

Batman: *continues to strut*

Alfred: *applause*

Everybody except Batman and Alfred: *awkward silence*

Jessica: You know what? Screw it. I'm sleeping on the ground. *lies down on ground* Goodnight.

Joker: Goodnight. Don't let the bed murderers leap out at you and carve up your face. Just look what happened to me. *laughs lightly*

Jessica: Uh…thanks?

Batman: *ego strut*

Harvey: Yeah, I might as well go to bed too. Goodnight, my admirers! May you one day show up at my doorstep and make me king of your space realm!!! *lies down on ground*

Joker: Amen to that. *kills Harvey* Woo, I'm tired. *lies down on ground* Mmm…it's so sharp and painful…*yawns*

Batman: *stops strutting* I'm tired too. Alfred *snaps his fingers* my necessary items.

Alfred: *runs off and comes back carrying master bedroom set*

Batman: Thank you.

Joker: *awake* I thought you slept hanging upside down!

Batman: Wow, _that's _a new one.

Jessica: GOODNIGHT, EVERYONE.

Joker: Goodnight, peons.

Batman: Goodnight, ego-less bags of jelly.

Alfred: Goodnight, teapots!!!  
Harvey: *alive* Goodnight moon, goodnight spoon, goodnight admirers from my future space realm…

Joker: *murders Harvey*

Everyone: *satisfied sigh*

***Everyone drifts off to sleep…but what will they find in the morning???***

**Well, that's another chapter down. I can't believe how much nothing these people do. It's insane. Oh well. Reviews are always wanted!!! **


	7. Circus Raccoons and Egoless Wimp Jelly

**Okay, so…roughly 10,000 years have passed since I last updated, and I'm sorry. Really sorry. Epically sorry. If you want some excuses, let me know and I'll send them to you. If any of you guys are still alive and still appreciate my odd brand of…odd humor (word choice award!) I hope you enjoy this chapter. I actually started it right after I finished Chapter 6, but for some reason it's been stalled here on my computer until now. Oh, yeah, one more thing: There are a few references to older chapters that I've explained, because 10,000 years is a long time to be away from something, and when I looked this over, I didn't even know what I was talking about.**

**Happy Reading! :-) **

***The whole night has passed, and everyone is waking up in the parking lot of a crappy motel...***

Jessica: *shaking head to clear away sleep* Ugh…*standing up and stretching* Ow. Oh, that hurts.

Joker: *waking up suddenly and leaping at Jessica with wild eyes* WHERE'S CAROLINE?

Jessica: Uh…uh…

Joker: *recovering* Oh…um…yeah. *cackles mysteriously like he meant to say that*

Batman: *waking up in Master Suite, which is set up in parking lot* Ah…Alfred, *snaps fingers* my morning tea, please.

Alfred: *suddenly awake* *trying to hold back tears* I haven't got a teapot, Master Wayne. *runs off in a fit to go find one*

Batman: *bolts upright in bed* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
Joker: *cackles quietly as he fingers his forgotten teapot, which has taken up residence beside his knife* **[This is the teapot he bought at Wesley P. Snuffenbottom's Teapot Depot a while back.]**

Harvey: *waking up and laying groggily in the parking lot* Did my admirers come? Did they tell you about my space realm? **[Harvey thinks that one day, his secret admirers will descend from the sky to find him and make him king of their space realm.]**

Jessica: Oh, the space realm guys? Yeah, they said they didn't want you. They wanted him instead. *points to Joker*

Harvey: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Batman: I'm hungry. *snaps fingers at Jessica* Some food, please.

Jessica: *death glare* You did _not _just snap your fingers at me.

Batman: Yeah, I did. *snaps fingers again* See? Now…I'll have a Florentine quiche with sourdough toast, and make sure it's slightly golden brown but not dark golden brown, and then I want you to—

Jessica: *new and improved laser-eyed death glare* This is gonna be REALLY bad for you…

Batman: Yeah, I think I can handle it. Now get me my food, woman!

Jessica: THAT'S IT! *pounces on Batman and tries to dismember him*

Batman: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Joker: *walking up to horrifying scene* Great, great. I just wanted to let you guys know that while you were having your little lover's spat, I killed Harvey 34 times.

Jessica: *stops dismembering Batman* Um…awesome, I guess?

Joker: *turns to Batman* And I brought you a quiche.

Jessica: YOU WHAT?

Batman: *takes quiche* Ah, I knew you couldn't resist serving my awesomeness. It gets the better of everyone eventually.

Jessica: *extreme eye roll*

Batman: *takes huge bite of quiche* Hmmm, this tastes a little strange…are you sure this was prepared correctly?

Joker: *turns away from Batman and tries not to laugh*

Harvey: *comes back to life after being killed 34 times by Joker* *random grumbling* Uggggggggghhhhhhh…*looks down at chest* OKAY, WHO TOOK MY SPLEEN?

Batman: *looks down at "quiche"* Oh…my…god. OH MY GOD. OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MY BODY HAS BEEN CONTAMINATED BY THE LAME-NESS OF HARVEY! MY EGO WILL NEVER BE THE SAME! _I'LL _NEVER BE THE SAME!

Harvey: Oh, please. My spleen's not that bad.

Jessica: Yeah, it pretty much is.

Joker: C'mon, Harvey. It is _you _we're talking about.

Harvey: *dies for no reason*

*Alfred comes back with no teapot and sees Batman sobbing on the ground*

Alfred: *turning to look accusingly at Jessica and Joker* MY GOD, WHAT DID YOU PEOPLE DO TO HIM?

Joker: We just…gave him something to eat.*cackles*

Alfred: *sighs and looks to Jessica for explanation*

Jessica: He ate part of Harvey's spleen. He thought it was a quiche.

Alfred: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! HOW COULD YOU TAMPER WITH HIS AWESOMENESS? *slaps Jessica in a fit of rage*

Jessica: WATCH IT, QUEEN ELIZABETH. I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

Joker: *looks at Jessica* Ooh, make up a nickname for me!

Jessica: *looks at Joker* Purple Pants.

Joker: *scoffs* Lame.

Jessica: Smiley?

Joker: That's—

Jessica: Freak Face?

Joker: YOU REALLY—

Jessica: The Circus Raccoon Who Can't Put On Lipstick?

Joker: *pulls out knife* NO. MORE.

Jessica: Where'd your sense of humor go, Circus Raccoon?

Harvey: *alive* Yeah, Circus Raccoon! Where'd it go?

Joker: *deadpan stare at Harvey*

Jessica: *walks off to see what Batman and Alfred are doing*

Harvey: *in the background* What? Wait! She said it too…*girlish screaming*

*Harvey dies*

Jessica: *reaches Batman and Alfred* What's up?

Batman: I feel so insecure! IT'S LIKE HARVEY IS DOMINATING MY BODY!

Alfred: His ego has suffered major damage…*sniffles* I don't know if he's going to make it.

Batman: *clutching chest* I CAN FEEL STANLEY DYING! STANLEY, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *more sobbing*

Jessica: You know, you're even more annoying when you don't have an ego. Alfred, what're the treatment options for this?

Alfred: We all have to tell him that he's awesome for around three hours. This _is _Harvey's spleen we're dealing with.

Jessica, Joker, and Harvey (who's alive now): Oh, _GOD _no…

Alfred: Master Wayne, you're awesome, you're awesome, you're *breaking into song* BEEEEEEEEEAAAAAUUUUUUTIFUL! THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PERSON EVER TO LIVE IN THE WOOOOOOOOOOORLD! LIKE SUNSHINE ON A CLOUDY DAY, LIKE CANDY IN THE SKY, YOOOOOOOOU HAVE UNICORNS IN YOUR EYYYYYYYYYYYYES! YEAH!

Jessica: Is that really a song?

Alfred: I made it up.

Jessica: Whoa. *steps back from Alfred*

Batman: *looks at Harvey* You're so cool.

Harvey: *babbles incoherently and nearly dies*

Alfred: Come on, everyone! Join in! QUICKLY! HIS SENSE OF JUDGEMENT IS FAILING!

Joker: You're…you're…you're…

Jessica: Well, I personally believe that to the best of my ability to register knowledge that you are in fact by all of the power invested in me by my experience and general place in the universe a *tries to stall some more and fails* um…well, um…

Harvey: *glares at Batman* YOU'RE STUPID! MWAHAHA! NOW SAY I'M COOL AGAIN! *runs off and returns with video camera* SAY IT! I SAID SAY IT!

Alfred: *pulls out ninja stars and decimates Harvey*

Jessica: You have…YOU HAVE…

Joker: *amused smile*

Alfred: *puts ninja stars away* Yes, I do. Now…compliments.

Jessica: I thought torture was illegal.

Alfred: *crazy eyes*

Jessica: Batmanyou'reawesome.

Batman: Really?

Alfred: YES, YOU'RE AMAZING! *looks to Joker frantically*

Joker: Oh, what? Yeah, you're…well…just like me. And that's a compliment. *cackles*

Batman: What? WAAAAAAH!

Alfred: NO, YOU'RE NOT LIKE HIM!  
Joker: OH, HE SO IS! HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THE RESEMBLANCE?

Jessica: *looks at Joker and then at Batman* I don't see it.

Joker: It's not on a physical level! It's on a mental level, a universal level! I'm insane, he's insane! HE DRESSES LIKE A BAT! WHO ELSE DRESSES LIKE A BAT?

Alfred: *rips open shirt to reveal Batsuit* I DRESS LIKE A BAT, SIR!

Jessica: Do you wear that…all the time?

Alfred: Since I was born.

Jessica: Wait…*thinks about how that makes sense and comes to the conclusion that it doesn't*

Batman: You dress like me? Why would anyone want to dress like me? *mopes and falls to the ground in a pile of ego-less wimp jelly*

Alfred: AHHH! The sound of Master Wayne whining breaks my heart!

Jessica: Well, I'm not complimenting him anymore. I think my tongue's starting to swell up. Can't we do anything else for him, like maybe abandon him here in this crappy parking lot and forget he ever existed?

Alfred: *ignoring Jessica* I can't listen to him go on like this! We must do something!

Jessica: Yes! Abandonment!

Alfred: *continuing to ignore Jessica* I've got it!

Jessica: Abandonment? That's a great idea, Alfred!

Alfred: We must get Master Wayne to a hospital!

Jessica: *major letdown face*

Harvey (who has come back to life yet again in a cycle that never gets old): Why do you care about him so much? I mean, its Master Wayne this, Master Wayne that…I think you should care about me some more. *looks around meaningfully* I think you all should.

Jessica: That was _beautiful, _Harvey…

*Jessica, Alfred, and Joker leap onto Harvey and kill him as Batman lays on the ground, moaning like the ego-less wimp he has become*

Jessica: Now that's what I call teamwork! WOO! GO TEAM!

Joker: Uh…yeah. Sure.

Jessica: *clears throat* Sorry…I uh, just got caught up in the moment, I guess.

*Awkward silence*

Alfred: CHOP CHOP! WE MUST GET TO A HOSPITAL!

Jessica: We don't have a car.

Alfred: *winks* Oh…don't we?

Jessica: Unless you can do a magic trick and pull one out of your pants, I'm going to say no.

Joker: I can do a magic trick.

Jessica: Awesome. I don't care.

Joker: It involves a pencil, and making it disappear. *cackles*

Jessica: I know. And I don't care.

Batman: You can do magic tricks? I wanna do magic tricks too! Show me how to do a magic trick! *random whining*

Alfred: AHHH! The sound of Master Wayne whining breaks my heart!

Joker: *sighs* Yeah, it doesn't feel right to shove a pencil into the skull of the Bat when he's like this. It isn't fun. One Harvey's enough.

Jessica: _That's _how the trick works? Shoving a pencil into people's skulls?

Joker: Duh.

Jessica: OH MY GOD!

Joker: I know. Pretty clever, right?

Alfred: Excuse me! I am hereby calling this group to attention! Finding a hospital is the only hope we have of restoring Master Wayne to his original God-like awesomeness.

Batman: Mehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Stop talking! You're giving me a headache!

Jessica: *looking at the sorry state of Batman* I don't know. It seems pretty hopeless. Oh, wait! I know what to do! Abandon him! Hey, good idea Jessica, yeah! Okay, solved that one! *rubs hands together* Yup, job well done! *begins to walk off, but turns back to stare at Alfred and Joker* What? *stares at Joker* You're not even coming with me?

Joker: *looks down at Batman and shrugs* Standing next to him, I look downright awesome.

Alfred: Jessica! Get back here! We have to get Master Wayne to a—

Jessica: *feeling the full weight of her aching limbs, tiredness, and exasperation* I KNOW, ALFRED! HOW'RE WE SUPPOSED TO GET THERE? WE DON'T HAVE A CAR SINCE YOU MORONS DECIDED IT'D BE FUN TO GO OFF-ROAD BOATING **[Remember when they crashed their car into the river? Ah, good times]**, AND IT'S NOT LIKE ONE'S GOING TO APPEAR SUDDENLY FOR NO APPARENT REASON, BECAUSE WE DON'T LIVE IN A SCARILY CONVENIENT WORLD WHERE THINGS HAPPEN THAT DON'T REALLY MAKE SENSE!

***Conveniently and for a reason that doesn't really make sense, a car suddenly pulls to a screeching halt in front of the group, and a young adult gets out***

Jessica: I should've known that would happen.

Young Adult: *talking far too loud and strutting in an attempt at coolness* I'M NEIL! *looks at Batman* ARE YOU REALLY…*starts to whisper* Batman?

Batman: *whimper* I guess.

Joker: He's a little short on ego since his…snack. *cackles*

Neil: *hyperventilating* NO! YOU CAN'T BE…*starts to whisper* The Joker?

Jessica: Why are you whispering? Is it really that big of a secret? I mean, one's in a batsuit and one's dressed up like a circus raccoon that can't put on lipstick.

Joker: *pulls out knife* I thought we agreed to watch the nicknames, hmmm?

Jessica: I've actually grown quite fond of that one.

Neil: *squints at Jessica* *squints some more*

Jessica: Yes?

Neil: You're the extra from scene seventeen, right?

Jessica: *has no idea who Neil's talking about, but decides to keep the conversation light instead of confronting his insanity* What, I don't get a whisper?

Neil: *blank stare*

Jessica *awkward chuckle* Because…you were…whispering…before…*sentence drifts off*

Neil: *glare* I despise you.

Jessica: Fantastic. *covers face with hands*

Alfred: Hello, sir. Are you alright?

Neil: *comes out of fantasy-world* ALFRED!  
Alfred: *stares* Yes.

Neil: Okay, we have Batman, Joker, Alfred…is Rachael around somewhere?

Alfred: *wide eyes and vigorous head shaking* **[Rachael's still in the trunk of the car at the bottom of the river. She's not popping back to life anytime soon.]**

Batman: RAAAAAAAAAAAACHAEL! *whines*

Neil: Okay. What about Harvey?

Harvey: *alive* *stares at Neil* I WILL GO TO YOUR SPACE REALM! I WILL!

Neil: *looks at everyone else* What's he talking about?

Jessica: We never really know. And by the way…do you still despise me and what are you doing here?

Neil: OH! Well, I saw you guys in this parking lot and I was on my way to see The Dark Knight for the nineteenth time because it's like the best movie ever made and I was just wondering if you guys would like to come because then you could complete my fantasy of going to see The Dark Knight with all of the characters who I secretly have crazy and sometimes embarrassing daydreams with and plus if you did nobody would laugh at me anymore! And yes, I still despise you but I'll keep it on the inside now.

Jessica: Um, thanks. Another quality recruit. Welcome to the crazy train, Neil. Welcome.

Batman: Who's The Dark Knight? I wanna know!

Harvey: Is it me? It's me, right?

Neil: *stares*

Jessica: They don't know.

Joker: What's that, hmmm? What don't we know?

Jessica: *sighs* You all, specifically, are from a movie called The Dark Knight.

Harvey: I'm in a movie? I HAVE TO CALL MY MOM!

Joker: I'm in a movie? I HAVE TO CALL HARVEY'S MOM!

Harvey: WHAT?

Joker: *mysterious cackle*

Neil: *looks at watch and starts to hyperventilate* OH MY GOD, THE MOVIE'S STARTING ANY MINUTE! I WILL NOT MISS THE OPENING SCENE!

Harvey: *tries to be cool* Don't worry, Homes McGriddle. You ain't gonna miss nuthin' with Harvey-man at the wheel. BOOM!

Joker: Yeah. *kills Harvey* I'm driving.

Neil: *happy eyes* YOU ARE THE COOLEST PERSON I WILL EVER KNOW! *willingly hands over keys to Joker*

Joker: Now your wallet.

Neil: *hands Joker wallet*

Joker: And your self-respect. *cackles*

Neil: *hands Joker his self-respect* I-I love you.

Joker: *looks at Neil* Are you one of my fangirls, by any chance?

Jessica: You have _fangirls_?

Joker: Like that's _any_ surprise to you.

Jessica: Yeah? WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

Joker: You know what I'm talkin' about. Don't pretend.

Jessica: *glare* Let's get in the car, everyone. Maybe we can actually get to the movie theater without crashing in a river or experiencing any other difficulties.

Alfred: And perhaps unicorns will fly out of our rear ends?

Jessica: *glare* Not the time, Alfred. Not the time.

Neil: *whispering to Jessica* Is he going senile?

Jessica: No. He's going Alfred.

Neil: Right.

***Everyone piles into Neil's car, and takes off towards new adventures, which will hopefully not involve unicorns coming out of any bodily orifice.***

**Hey, Chapter 7 is finally complete! What'd ya'll think? And sorry, again. **


End file.
